5 Magic Words to End Drama and Foster Connection
Recently, a friend reminded me of a powerful lesson I had apparently taught him. He said, “I used the 5 Magic Words with my daughter and they worked.” Puzzled, I asked, “What are the 5 Magic Words?” He laughed, “You know. You’re the one who taught them to me.” I racked my brain and couldn’t think of a time I’ve taught “5 Magic Words.” After a moment of confusion, he revealed, “The 5 Magic Words are, ‘YOU MAKE SENSE TO ME.’”
Though I still don’t think I’ve ever referred to these as “5 Magic Words,” I do agree with their power. When expressed sincerely from the heart, these words can transform conversations, end drama and toxic conflicts, and foster genuine and authentic connections.
The Power of Understanding
Why can 5 simple words be so potent, transformational, and magical?
First and foremost, the magic isn’t in the words themselves but in the intention and empathy behind them.
The goal is to genuinely see the world the way another does as completely as possible. This is an incredibly generous act. So uncommon. It involves temporarily relaxing our death grip on “myself” and “my view of reality.”
Challenging The Ego
This act is neither natural nor easy. We’re wired to see ourselves as the center of the universe. It’s key to survival at a basic level. You can count on the fact that everyone you meet today (including you) will be living as though they are the center of the world. Everything is about them. Even if they are thinking about another person, they are thinking about that other person from the perspective of themselves. It’s human nature to live this way. There is a strong gravitational pull from the ego (the sense of “I”) to bring everything toward the center, which is ME. The pull is so great that it’s not easy to resist it, even for a moment, to take the point of view of another. To see the world the way they see the world.
But you can do it. It’s a choice. The choice is easier when you are not triggered. When triggered, our view narrows as we cling to our own perspectives for safety. But if you can relax your fear and threat for a few moments, you can start to ask, “How does the other person see this? I genuinely want to see the world the way they see the world.”
From Self-Reference to Empathy
Imagine various scenarios where understanding another’s perspective could change everything. The process begins with a recognition of our natural self-referential tendencies, followed by a willingness to see through another’s eyes. For example:
- I know how I see my year-end review and compensation. How does my boss or company leadership see it?
- I know how I see the holidays spent with my in-laws. I wonder how my wife sees it?
- I know how I see kids and phones. I wonder how my 11-year-old sees it?
Granting People the Right to Their Perspective
This willingness must engage both the mind and the heart; it’s an act of grace and compassion. It is based in a deep commitment that goes something like this: “I now grant this person the right to be the way this person is.” You make the choice, for this moment, to not try to change the other but to really grant them the right to be exactly as they are and to see the world exactly as they do.
Sometimes, I remind myself, “Who the hell do I think I am to claim I know how reality is and should be for someone else?” It is a great act of narcissism to believe, much less KNOW, that my view of the world is the view anyone else should have.
Once I’ve made the shift—letting go of demanding my claim to reality, granting the other their right to reality—I can now enter into their perspective. I can see the situation through their eyes and feel it through their heart.
I’ve practiced this shift for years, and I’m now convinced that every person’s reality makes sense to them based on their views. I say to myself and sometimes to them, “If I saw the world the way you see the world, I’d think, feel, and act like you do.” But this act of deep empathy is more than granting others the internal consistency of their view; it is choosing to actually see reality the way they do. To “try on” what it’s like to be them.
The Five Magic Words
From this place of deep understanding, saying “YOU MAKE SENSE TO ME” flows naturally. It doesn’t mean you agree with them—it means you understand them from their perspective.
Common Questions
Whenever I talk about this, I get a few common questions:
- Does this mean I agree with them? No, you are not saying you agree with their view of the situation. In fact, you usually don’t. It simply means you understand their viewpoint.
- What if their view of life is morally or ethically wrong? This practice is not about determining right and wrong. Instead, it’s an act of validating another’s humanness. All of us distort reality. This act chooses, for the moment, to suspend evaluation and prioritize understanding. In my experience, a discussion of right and wrong, good and bad, effective and ineffective occurs much more potently after we have said to the other, “You make sense to me.” These words, deeply felt, followed by, “And I don’t see the world the way you see the world,” open the possibility of an authentic discussion where learning, growth, and connection can occur.
- What if they won’t grant me the same compassionate understanding? What if they won’t say to me, “You make sense to me?” With a wink, I might say to you, “Can you see how even this makes sense from their point of view?” That’s a master-level consciousness move, and I still want to point it out. And, if only one person chooses to see the other person’s view the relationship can change. More openness can occur.
The Reward of Practice
What I’ve learned from this practice is profound: I change. I become more open, flexible, free, and loving. And surprisingly, the world around me appears to change as well. People seem more open, less defended, and more available. The world looks differently when I practice the 5 Magic Words. Try it and see what you find.
Further Resources
- Curiosity vs Being Right video - Conscious leaders understand why they, and others, want to be right. They accept this threatened state and use curiosity to shift.
- Instructions for Doing "The Work" (Byron Katie) - What if the opposite of your story is at least as true? Use these simple steps to investigate your beliefs and free your mind.
- Commitment #2 Meditation - Curiosity - This meditation supports you in letting go of being right, and embracing the idea of curiosity.
