Dear Past Self: Are You Having Any Fun?

Dear Me-From-10-Years-Ago,
‍

Hi, it’s me from the future, checking in. This might sound like a strange question, but: Are you having any fun? 
‍

That’s a rhetorical question—I already know the answer. You’re working at a breakneck pace at this big, “important” job of yours. And I get it: reaching goals, making more money, and external validation are important to you/us. But over here, in the future, you seem to be taking life pretty seriously.
‍

You check email the second you wake up and right before you go to bed. You barely exercise. You neglect relationships. Some nights, you grind your teeth and wake up with terrible jaw pain. Other nights, you wake up with anxiety in your stomach. You have constant imposter syndrome. And when was the last time you took a vacation without answering emails?
‍

When you were young, you had a sense of optimism about the future. You expected fulfillment to come from pursuing your authentic interests. Me-from-10-years-ago, it appears that somehow, along the way, you’ve forgotten this. Instead, You have learned to live in a state of fear and resistance, to blame and criticize, and to brace against inevitable discomfort and disappointment.
‍

Lately, you’ve been arguing with your family when they ask you if you’ve been working too much and withdrawing from loved ones, believing they don’t “get” the pressures you face. You cope with stress by numbing out with wine, social media, and buying things. Your life looks increasingly like a battlefield where you are either winning or losing, succeeding or failing. From over here in the future, this game you’re playing looks exhausting!
‍

Me-From-10-Years-Ago, I’m writing with some encouragement. Soon, you’ll learn a new set of tools that help you see and accept yourself with compassion. You will begin the hard work of sourcing approval, control, and security from inside of yourself. You will learn to soften around your righteousness, feel your feelings, and use your voice in the world.
‍

From there, prioritizing rest and play will become easy. You will unapologetically take time off. You will dance with your husband in the kitchen daily, laugh heartily during meetings, and take spontaneous naps on the couch. You will even begin to paint again, which you’ve loved to do since childhood. From a place of enoughness, you will once again experience life as a playground filled with possibilities to explore. You will grab this life of yours by the horns, create with passion, and eventually become a coach who supports others on this journey. Impact and fulfillment will go hand in hand.

‍
Sound impossible? Don’t worry Me-From-10-Years-Ago. Change is coming. Deep down inside, you know there is more to life than this. Start by noticing what you have a “yes” to in this world and move in that direction. Take a flying trapeze class. Sign up for that leadership training, and definitely go to that retreat. (But maybe don’t stay at that hostel in India filled with frogs unless you just want the story to tell!) 
‍

What I’m saying is, experiment bravely with what calls and welcome all of the discomforts. Collect feedback with curiosity. Surround yourself with people who will support you when self-doubt inevitably arises. And take one step at a time towards the aliveness waiting for you. I promise it’s going to be really, really fun. Trust me on this. I mean, trust you.

Love,

Joyce, December 2024