Stop Trying to Be “Above the Line"

If you’re reading this, you’re likely familiar with the Locating Yourself model. I love this it because it’s disarmingly simple and paradoxically, clinically precise. It points me to the organizing pattern of my nervous system and personality – as efficiently as anything I’ve encountered. The real power of this model comes from its simplicity—and the paradox within it. For it to truly transform you, you have to embrace this truth: it’s not better to be above the line than below the line in any given moment. Let’s explore why.

The Game: Locate Your State and Be With It

The way I work with the line is like a game. The goal is to notice, in any given moment, whether I am being with life from a state of openness/trust (Above) or a state of constriction/fear (Below). 

First nuance: You don’t control your initial state. Think about that for a moment. Your autonomic nervous system moves before your executive function does, and you’re not consciously doing anything. Can you see how that’s true for you? The way I like to think about it is that our personality is forming very early in life. We find ourselves in a family and environment. We start developing strategies for staying safe and feeling loved. These strategies become behavioral patterns we carry into adolescence and adulthood. These patterns are highly intelligent and refined - to automate our reactivity. Think about it. You’re moving through the world in presence and then “something” happens. Boom. You’re constricted. Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. 

The practice isn’t to strong-arm your way above the line; it’s to notice. Did you recognize you were below in real time? Ten minutes later? Not at all? Awareness—repeated, humble, non-dramatic—is the game. If you make it wrong to be below the line, you’re simply being reactive to your reactivity and adding drama to your drama.
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Words vs. Energy: Your Congruence Will Build Trust

When we play the game, we often watch our thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs (use the Locating Yourself sheet). Helpful.  However, what all that really points us to is our below-the-line energetic state. When that “something” happened, the body tightened, the breath shortened, the field shifted.. We didn’t control the constriction happening; it just happened. And when it did, our energy shifted. From that energy, we start asking: Who caused this? What action do I take? What should I say? How do I fix it from above the line? How do I get above the line? 

Here’s the trap: Clients often tell me they’re below the line and want to approach a situation from an above-the-line perspective. They want me to help them with the words they’ll say to someone “from above the line”. If we believe ourselves to be above the line because we say things that sound above the line and our energy is actually still below the line, we are incongruent. We can feel it when someone is congruent—their words, tone, and energy all line up. That alignment builds trust. So if you want to strengthen trust with those around you, start by tuning into your own congruence—your actual energetic state, whether you’re above or below the line, and how that feels in your body.
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The Counterintuitive Move: Acceptance Over Ascent

So what’s the next move here? If we don’t control whether we’re above or below in any given moment, and our energy matters as much as our actions/words to be trusted, what do we do? 

The antidote is acceptance. It’s a move towards self-compassion. Here’s how it works. 

You notice you’ve dropped below the line. Good catch. Pause. Locate the sensation in your body. Heat in the chest? Jaw tightening like a vise? A sinking in the gut? Stay. Breathe a little space around it. In that moment, from being present with your reactivity, you have a choice, and here’s where the paradox begins to enter the scene. The choice isn’t to “move above the line”, as much as a part of us might really, really want that. The move is far more courageous. It’s to stay with your internal experience. Then, moving slowly and patiently, allow the sensations to be present as much as they are. Take a few nice breaths into this sense of allowing. Then ask: Am I willing to accept myself for being below the line right now? Can I bring compassion to the part of me running its ancient playbook? Sometimes the answer is no. Great. Then ask: Can I accept that I don’t accept it? We may still have a no. There is no problem here. So many coaching sessions linger here for long stretches. This is where the deep work lives—meeting the protector that learned to hustle, to win, to avoid shame, and letting it relax by being seen, not overridden. We are facing the subtle, unconscious parts of our personality that pick up on threats in our environment and become reactive. As we do this, we are bringing loving awareness to this next layer of our personality that’s ready to loosen.
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The Paradox That Frees You

So the paradox is this: On the one hand, of course, we prefer to live above the line—more creativity, collaboration, and aliveness. And by adopting the mindset that, in this moment, it isn't better to be above the line, we stop adding drama to drama.  Acceptance reduces resistance; resistance fuels persistence. Over time, you’ll drop below less often, go less far, and return more quickly—not because you muscled yourself out of one state into another, but because you developed your awareness, compassion, and humility. As such, my aspiration to lead from above the line takes nothing away from my willingness to be below the line whenever I find myself there. Leaders who move through the world with this intention, awareness, self-compassion, and humility lead from a place of deeper authenticity. THIS is where so much of the coaching and facilitating we do at CLG really begins. So much is possible from here.
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30-Day Practice: Train Congruence

1. Carry the Tool: Print the Locating Yourself handout. Tear off the top; keep only the Below the Line half in your pocket for 30 days.
2. Tag the State (3× daily): When you feel any reactivity, pull the sheet. Circle the top 2 statements, 2 behaviors, and 2 beliefs that fit the moment. That’s your current recipe for drama.
   
3. Feel the Signature: Where is it in the body? What is the energy doing (tight, buzzing, collapsing)? Name it simply.
   
4. Practice Acceptance: Ask, “Can I accept myself for being exactly here?” If no, “Can I accept that I can’t accept?” Stay for three slow breaths.
   
5. Choose Congruent Action: Only after acceptance, decide the next small, values-aligned move—often fewer words, cleaner boundaries, or a clarifying question.

There is no right or wrong answer. It’s nervous-system training married to conscious awareness. The more you attune to your actual state, the more compassion arises in real time, and the more your leadership signals align.

Are you game? The year’s almost over. Are you in for the 30-day congruence game—or are you going to stride into 2026 sounding “above the line” while your body calls BS? I’d love to hear what you notice. Email me to let me know you’re starting. In 30 days, report back on what you experienced. Let’s be in the conversation together and see if you can move into the new year with greater awareness, congruence, and living from above the line.