August 8, 2024
How a Tiny Unclear Agreement Pointed Me Back into Integrity
A few weeks ago, I found myself procrastinating on a project I was working on with a coworker.
In a planning meeting, we’d agreed that I’d get my part of the work to her by midday the following Wednesday. I’d started the project several times, but consistently found my mind wandering to something else. These distractions ranged from other (less time-sensitive) work to deep-cleaning my house.
Once everything else on my to-do list was done, I stood looking at my computer screen late Tuesday afternoon, pressure rising in my chest. There was nothing else to be done, and the agreed-upon deadline was closing in fast.
After what felt like “hard work,” I got the project to a good place Tuesday evening and planned to finish it in the morning, confident it would be done by the midday agreement we’d made.
When Wednesday morning arrived, I found an email in my inbox that was sent at 9 am. It was my coworker asking for an update on the project, wanting to confirm when to expect it.
I felt anger pulse through my system. Then, a wave of thoughts like:
“Calm down, I’m working ON IT!!”
- “I said I’d get it to you midday Wednesday—that obviously means I’ll get it to you between 11 am and 2 pm!!”
- “Man, I hate being micromanaged.”
- “I deeply regret signing up for this.”
- “This whole project has been a huge suck of my energy.”
I took a breath, tuned into the anger I was feeling, and let out a big “GERR.” I found some spaciousness and became curious about why my reactivity to her email was so high.
In that exploration, several a-has surfaced:
- This was not a clear agreement. (Clear agreements include WHO will do WHAT by WHEN.) We had agreed on exactly who would be doing what, but we had yet to agree on exactly when the work would get done.
- I was not a whole body yes to doing the project in the first place, which means I wasn’t in complete integrity with my agreement.
- I was completing the work from a place of obligation and “I have to.”
- By saying yes, I was not taking 100% responsibility for my energy. I had resentment that she’d asked me to do it. And I resented myself for saying yes to it in the first place.
- I blamed her/the world for how this had loomed over my head for days, leaking my energy.
To put it more simple: I was very much below the line.
I had said yes to the project from a place of wanting approval. As a Type 2 Enneagram, I love helping others, especially when “they need me.” My classic type pattern was showing itself once again. Hah! Her two-sentence email uncovered so much. I felt my reactivity loosen, realizing all that was wrapped up in this exchange.
I replied to her email, letting her know I felt some reactivity when I got her note and wanted to reveal what it brought up for me. She agreed, and we hopped on a call. We then renegotiated and found a Win-For-All path forward to getting the project across the finish line (this time with a Whole Body Yes and Impeccable Agreements in place for the deliverables on both sides). I felt my whole body relax as I hung up the phone. Stepping into 100% Responsibility was once again a game changer.
In reflection, this experience was an incredible reminder that even the seemingly smallest energy leaks add up.
Further Practice
For more information on making Impeccable Agreements and finding your Whole Body Yes, check out these past articles:
To get present to all the unconscious energy leaks in your life, step into 100% Responsibility by doing an Integrity Inventory.
For those looking to go even deeper, Integrity Boot Camp, two four-day retreats (one for leaders and coaches) in October 2024, will supercharge your exploration around integrity and surface the core patterns at play when it comes to your energy leaks.